It is a truth universally acknowledged that a parent in possession of a C grade report card must be in want of easy excuses.

Look, dumbass, you can not contact me the day that grades are due and tell me that the reason your kid got C-‘s on his tests and turned his work in late is because he needs to be moved away from talkative students who would distract him. (Especially when you have forgotten, it seems, that you asked me to do the same exact thing three weeks ago, which I did, and moved him to the front of the room, in between two of the quietest children on campus).

You also can not email me at the 8th week of the semester to find out how you can get the homework list when you have skipped back-to-school night and five days of parent conferences where I clearly explained the available website, and meanwhile, returned the letter signed without reading it in which I clearly and boldly printed the website access address.

Jesus. The apples do not far very far from the trees, do they?!